The emails that were sent to me during my breast cancer scare are so important to me, that I decided that they could not be lost. These letters were imported from my other Banana Smoothie blog on wordpress.
Unfortunately, the hapytamynyc.wordpress.com blog can no longer be accessed due to some technical difficulities but still remain accessible to read. Thank you for taking time to read these very special entries. Lots of love. HapytamyNYC.
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Dear hapytamy -
I have been in a relationship with this guy for about seven months. Recently, he announced to our group of friends that he is currently “dating” someone else and me. He didn’t bother to mention this to me first. We didn’t have an official title like “girlfriend/boyfriend” etc. but I still feel hurt and betrayed. I thought we were in a relationship exclusively. I guess I just assumed it. I wanted to ask someone who didn’t know us because I’ve been pretending that his dating someone else was partly my idea. Do you think I should stay in this relationship? -Left out
Dear Left Out -
More like “left in” or “left over”. I’m so sorry for your pain. That is pain I’m smelling, isn’t it? What’s worse, lying to your friends or lying to yourself? Please don’t. I’m giving you permission to move on from the lies.
Dating is great because it allows us to explore what we want and don’t want in a relationship. It’s the research process that leads up to marriage. One of the most important things you should want in a relationship is honesty. Not only was he not honest, he was a coward. Announcing to your friends that he is dating someone else before he told you is disrespectful and a clear indication that he is not looking to you as his significant relationship.
Please give yourself more pain and move on while you still have a shred of self-respect.
hapytamyNYC
mean people suck
Originally uploaded by Supercapacity.
Readers:
Ms. Bossy works for a high profile entertainment company and is having problems with her team. She is the reigning bitch supreme but Ms. Bossy has good reasons. The staff is underperforming and they don’t understand the pressure she is under. To top it off she is struggling to maintain intimacy with a new romantic partner.
Ms. Bossy – You are not happy and you are the only person I’m concerned about in this scenario. You said you recently got divorced and your company has reduced your budget but increased the work load.
Many of us can totally relate. Twice I was in your shoes. Once because of deep spiritual wounds caused by the loss of a loved one and once because I let an overdemanding and self-aggrandizing boss take over my life. She later fed me to the sharks before she bailed out herself. Are you headed for deep waters?
Take a good look around. What is the payoff for your behaviour? How does it make you feel to be alienated from your team and your lover? You don’t even have a shoulder to cry on. Could you delegate more or re-arrange your schedule? Could you make more time to be more creative and spontaneous in the bedroom? How would that make you feel?
Remember, mean people suck and the only sucking sounds should be coming from you and your new lover.
love hapytamyNYC
May 20, 2006 Assuming The Worse by HapytamyNYC
I love those inspirational card decks with daily mantras printed on them. This morning, the one I picked up read:
I CLAIM MY OWN POWER AND I LOVINGLY CREATE MY OWN REALITY.
I ASK FOR MORE UNDERSTANDING SO, THAT I MAY KNOWINGLY AND LOVINGLY SHAPE MY WORLD AND MY EXPERIENCES.
“Left out” left me feeling that I should examine the assumptions that we make in relationships more closely.
Why do we assume exclusivity in a relationship? Why do we assume that we have expertly chosen the most faithful and steadfast mate that could be found? Why do we assume that months and years of dating will lead us down the aisle to wedded bliss? Why did I think a “glamour shot” would make me feel more glamorous?
Are we unable to distinguish fact from fiction? Are we in denial? Did we buy a slick sales pitch from a player? Are we complete idiots? Do we expect too much? Do we assume that everyone is drinking from the same fountain of common knowledge? Is what we believe to be true and inevitable the same thing our partner believes? Do we go looking for validation of our beautiful selves and end up in bright red lipstick and a white fur stole? Yes and no.
We are hopeful and sometimes hopeless. We all crave love and acceptance. Some of us crave marriage from youthful exuberance until grandparenthood and some of us just want a date to the prom. Whatever we do, I hope we do it with more understanding than we had in our last relationship. Assuming, that you have more than one relationship in your lifetime, I hope you remember to lovingly shape your world and your lovelife with your new found understanding. Stop assuming the worse, that it is already happening WITHOUT your loving effort and thoughtful examination.
hapytamyNYC
May 13, 2006
One In The Bush by HapytamyNYC
How long should you wait to meet someone face to face after meeting them online?
The advent of online dating has brought some interesting questions to the forefront of our personal lives. Everything from how do I keep safe to the very emotional question above. First and foremost, practice caution when meeting someone new. Online or off. Let others know about the date and meet someplace busy and nuetral. Lunch or coffee is best for the first meet and greet.
Secondly, I strongly advise that you do not wait too long. Not more than three or four weeks. I have known many people who have become so addicted to the process of online dating that they forget it’s purpose. To draw someone new and wonderful into your “real” world. Someone to enhance and enrich the life you already enjoy. Strapping yourself into a chair for weeks on end and becoming emotionally entrenced in another’s person’s life without the physical touch is cheating yourself of part of the true beauty of your connection.
I am the first person to agree that love is the only true tangible but without the physical connection you are living in an imaginary world. Filled with more fantasy than reality. I know a beautiful couple that lived on opposite sides of the world that met online and eventually married. They fell in love before they met then they had to meet. Don’t deny yourself.
What do you do if you have been chatting for weeks or months already? Insist on a meet and greet. Otherwise this person isn’t really a potential lover or mate, are they? No, they are IM pals.
Do not put off dating the people who are asking you to date in your “real” life either. No matter how incredible and euphoric you feel about “Mr. or Ms. Online” remember that one in the hand is better than one in the bush. You are much too wonderful not to have a flesh and blood partner. lol
May 6, 2006 Dear Cinnamon
Let the revolution begin! After reading your comments I realized we may have this whole marriage thing ass backwards. Tradition is the lawn hugging the perimeter of our home. In the heart of our home we are free to choose how to love and what the standards of love should be. If I present any message here I want it to be that I champion the freedom of the individual. To love and live in a way that leads to self-empowerment and self-fulfillment which will inevitably lead to a better world for all of us.
April 28, 2006
Fourteen Points of Forgiveness by HapytamyNYC
I am often asked for advice for the cardinal sin of cheating. What if you are actually contrite and want to continue the relationship? What if you aren’t?
Second question first, have a heart and move on, especially if the person you are having a relationship with thinks it’s a mutually monogamous and committed one. He or she deserves honesty as well. Hopefully, you will learn how to be more honest in the next relationship.
First question. Congratulations, you feel guilty and stupid. We all make mistakes.
In the seventh grade I was a cheerleader in a very conservative community. Our middle school football team often played against an all boys Christian school team that brought accompanying
terms with them to the field. No girls on the field and no racy or bouncy moves from the cheerleading squad.
I wore a special red sash on my uniform while the rest of the team wore baby blue. I was not the team Captain, I was the team instigator. So, naturally when handed a sheet of paper with the rules neatly printed out on them, I did two things, made a paper airplane and insisted that our renegade squad moon the opposing team (ruffled bloomers in place, of course) at just the right moment.
The moment came in the second half, the score at 0 – 7, our side losing. Our cheerleading squad went to the goal post began cheering at the top of their voices then quickly turned around and mooned the opposing team (bloomers on, of course). The all boys team never recovered and our team won 14 – 7.
I was quickly whisked away to the Principal’s office and threatened with suspension. I got a warning instead. Apparently, 14 game winning points brings much forgiveness. So, that’s my point. Go out there, apologize, never do it again and start earning those game winning points of forgiveness and yes, 98% of this story is true.
- Is there a strict rule that you follow on the length of dating? I’ve been dating my beau for seven years and we’re not even talking about marriage… I feel that I’m not ready and I think he feels the same. I had a conversation the other day that lead me to believe that maybe we are holding each other back because neither of us are willing to make a serious commitment. But, then again, we’ve lasted longer than a lot of marriages in America. Some of my friends give their guy one year tops before they become “just friends.” Is there any harm in not marrying somebody? Am I missing out on something? signed “just curious”Comment by Anonymous — May 1, 2006
- Dear Just Curious,You don’t sound curious at all. You seem to have hit the comfort zone with this person and are not willing or able to “get curious”. What do you really want in a committed relationship? Is this relationship giving that to you?You have hit what I call a “keep off the grass” moment. The moment you see the little sign to keep off the grass do you blindly obey? Do you wonder who is asking you to keep off the grass? Do you rebel and step on the grass in defiance?
Society expects us to get married but do we have to?Do not blindly obey other’s expectations but do not be blind to yours either.
hapytamyNYC
- May 27, 2006
- Keep Off The Grass by HapytamyNYC
- (I found this picture in the fulton archive)For years, I kept a yellowed and tattered postcard of John Lennon standing in front of the Statue of Liberty next to a patch of grass with a small sign on a stick that read “keep off the grass”.
There he was, standing between the grand scale symbol of acceptance of all humanity and a small sign of a direct and absolute command. I was struck by this glaring mirror image of American life.
Much later, on public television, a group of academics debated the blind acceptance of societal norms in America. One scholar mentioned the proverbial “keep off the grass” sign. Why would the scholarly argue such a subject? It is part of our civic mystery.
What does one do when their path meets this sign? Do we blindly obey? Do we stop and wonder who is asking us to keep off the grass and then seek them out for negotiation? Maybe we can negotiate weekends on the grass or every other Saturday. Should we step on the grass in open defiance of such an oppressive order?
We face these “keep off the grass moments” almost daily. Whether it is about marriage, love and sex, divorce, having children or how we choose to deal with political and religious expectations. Should we choose career or family? What should we wear, eat or drive? Should we stay with the pack for safety? Is this succor and surcease or oppression?
HapytamyNYC says, “Follow your bliss, remember bed peace and please, keep off the grass”.
